I’ll start this post off as I do many new interactions:
It’s not that I make a bad first impression, but I don’t usually make a great one. My second impressions, though? Amazing. People dig me. Maybe it’s my, at times, crippling social anxiety that inhibits the good vibes from our first meeting, or maybe you’re just in awe of my ability to somehow work obscure and inappropriate references in anywhere I can. I like to think it’s the last one, but I’ll leave it up to you.
Anyway, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s the skinny– I’ve been mulling over the idea to start a blog for awhile. Maybe a year or so. I don’t know, time gets a little jumbled in my brain, but it’s been awhile. I’ve always liked my mother’s advocacy blog, and I’ve written a few guest posts for her, but I struggled with the idea of my own. I don’t have anything really figured out. I don’t have a set cause. I don’t really understand social media, even though I should. I have paid for an entire meal in change before, just because I wanted to save my dollar bills for the vending machines on campus. You could say I’m a bad millenial.
But, I digress.
Up until a few years ago, I struggled daily with undiagnosed major depressive disorder. I’ve had generalized anxiety since I was six and was diagnosed with OCD at the age of ten. But I had a breaking point, and one of my best and oldest friends urged me to get on meds. My therapist wholeheartedly agreed once I told her about all of my feelings and thoughts. Apparently, it was bad. I don’t remember much of it, except for the shame.
Yeah, I said shame. I like to come off as together and chill and prepared, and I do most of the time. In reality, I am a tightly wound, competitive, procrastinating human equivalent to a small dog. I’m a classically trained musician, could you tell? But for the first time, I was not coming off as together, chill, or prepared. I was a wreck, crying all the time, sleeping at strange intervals, and forgetting to feed myself. I wasn’t in control and it felt like I let everyone down.
However, these past few years have been transformative. I graduated college with two majors, interned with a music therapist, served as an activity director at a local nursing home, and became a teacher at a local preschool. I got my medicine stabilized, found some supplements that help, and started to really focus on my recovery.
Which brings me to this blog. I want you to know that I didn’t think I could make it, but here I am. I want you to know that I’m still recovering. I still have lows and anxiety attacks and periods of isolation. But here I am. My goal is to share what has helped me and to provide an image of what it is like closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.
This week I’ll answer one these three questions:
- What is the inspiration behind “Climbing the Fig Tree” and why?
- Why does my eyeliner always end up tattooed on my eye lid and HOW CAN I FIX IT?!
- Where does one find all of the seasons for The Great British Bake-off for free?
(Kidding– those last two are mysteries of the universe that truly keep me up at night, and I’d probably sell my soul for some real answers.)